Sunday, May 25, 2008

Letters to Grace - 5/21/08


Friends Far Afield
I do some part-time work for a great woman in California named Grace. I've never met her in person, yet I count her among my greatest friends. I do love her. She is generous, funny, patient, and one of the kindest people I've never met. Some of my emails to her and hers to me are funny, and I want to keep a record of them, so I'll do it here. Here's my note to her of 5/21/08:

Hi, Grace. Here are the other two xxxxxx files for you, and an invoice. Give Molly a nuzzle, or a scriggle (you know what that means) on the belly for me-- my poor old dog Lou (17 years old next month!) has recently lost his mind, and deicded to pee wherever he wants... in the HOUSE! I'm too angry with him to give him a cuddle or a scriggle, though I did clean out his eye boogers tonight. Gross, and though he's less than thankful, it needed to be done. He just cost me $800 for "tests" this weekend (which is vet speak for bilking the sucker clients. That was couch money, so now we all sit on the floor for another month. What an ass.).

Lou just got up a few minutes ago from his bed (I have SIX of them so he can sleep comfortably in the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, den, living room, or sunroom (who's the boss here?) and walked nonchalantly to the living room to pee into the non-working (thank God) fireplace ... like that was okay. Oh, my old dog is lucky I Iove him, because I want to punch him in the face a little bit. I'm single-handedly keeping the papertowel industry alive. The vet thinks he's just either just getting confused in his dotage, or doesn't want to wait for me to get it together to walk him. Personally, I think it's passive aggressiveness, but there's no vaccine for that. Meanwhile, my cat, Eli, is sleeping on top of the ironing board, which would be reason enough to put the ironing board away when I'm not using it, and yet... I don't. How many times do I have to iron something only to find it covered with cat hair before I just fold the thing up and put it in the closet? (By "the thing", I could mean Eli or the ironing board. Still deciding.)

Anyway, see what you started? Get a dog, and then I can talk about is dogs and pets. Send me news of Molly. I'm pretty sure she's going to be your permanent pet/companion, because it's super hard to give them up after they've been with you for a few days. That explains my menagerie -- I don't even like them that much, but here they are, shedding, and snotting, and oozing all over everything! My recommendation? Leather furniture, polyester clothing, and some delicious dry white wine (to drink after you've cleaned the first two!) Best - j

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